More Weirdness

by Timothy Lane   5/12/14

Short parodies reprinted from FOSFAX 216 (2010)  •  Near the end of April, Air Force One buzzed Manhattan in the vicinity of Ground Zero, causing a modest public uproar. The move was so egregiously insensitive that administration spokesliars in the White House, Congress,and the synoptic media immediately blamed the incident on George W. Bush, though later they arranged for a White House scapegoat to resign. (Wait a minute; that actually happened. How did it get in here?)

Addressing an ACORN gathering, Barack Obama thanked them for all their assistance in his goal of remaking America by whatever means are necessary, and denounced those who criticized ACORN for what he called the “triviality” that many of the voters they tried to register proved to be fraudulent. In his stirring call to action, Obama proclaimed, “Believe me! Obey me! Fight for me! Together we can make a new America! Let nothing stop us!” Members cheered him and saluted with clenched fists, while broadcast journalists Bill Moyers, Chris Matthews, and Keith Olbermann joined in.

David Letterperson reported that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi knocked up Obama’s eldest daughter between roll calls one day, with the approval of the girl’s “slutty mother”.

Fresh from calling on Americans to cut their carbon emissions and corporate CEOs to stop buying (and using) corporate jets, Barack Obama flew in his private jumbo jet, Air Force One, to New York so he and his wife could take in a night at the opera. (Wait, didn’t that happen, too? What’s going on here?)

Barack Obama recently assured the Mayor of Detroit that Government Motors would never move its headquarters from the Motor City. Then he addressed the assembled White House press corps to announce that he has no intention of running GM, leaving that to its Board of Directors (appointed by the President acting in loco parentis as primary stockholder). After that, he produced the design for the new, efficient Obamobile that GM will produce. “At last,” he observed, “we will produce a car as safe and valuable as the Yugo.”” And the car will run on snake oil, not fossil fuels.” The audience cheered enthusiastically at that point.

Global warming cultistsscientists James Hansen, Al Gore, and Laurie David finally proved that there really is a scientific consensus in favor of catastrophic, anthropogenic global warming. Looking at scientific papers over the last 20 years, they entered, “The theory of global warming is a complete hoax, and I want to have nothing to do with any of the money generated for research in it because it’s a fraud” in their search engine. They found no matching entries, proving there are no skeptical research papers.

A New Jersey second-grade teacher taught her budding Obama Youth to recite a pair of hymns to Saint Barack the Profligate during Black History Month. The school was so proud of her indoctrination that they made a videotape in June, which concluded with the students giving a Fascist salute in honor of Obama. (Wait, that happened too. This is really getting damned peculiar.)

Due to a short-circuit, Obama’s teleprompter broke down during a press conference (which he blamed on George W. Bush), forcing him to stumble his way through the questions. The assembled acolytes ignored this and took the teleprompter answers. The White House declared this even unprecedented.

Early in 2009, the White House decided to change terrorism to man-caused disaster in official usage. Recently leaked documents reveal the reason for the change: Whenever the administration receives strong (i.e., accurate) criticism, Obama can claim that he is being viciously smeared by being compared to terrorists.

As part of the Obama campaign to suppress dissent by extralegal means, spokesliar David Axelrod advised George Stephanopoulis of ABC (a former Clinton spokesliar) to ignore Fox News because it has a political point of view, unlike real news organizations such as ABC. (Damn it, this is getting ridiculous. Will Rogers was right, at least when it comes to the Obama and his scurvy lot.)

Snow the Stooge voted for the Baucus healthcare deform bill in committee, saying, “When history calls, history calls.” Her fellow Stooge Curly Sue was immediately persuaded by this eloquence, but other Republicans accused her of impersonating the president.

Fresh from proofreading a Saturday Night Live script that mildly criticized Obama from the left, CNN fact-checked old children’s shows. Part I revealed that Captain Kangaroo was neither a captain nor a kangaroo and Lamb Chop was inedible, though Crabby Appleton really was rotten to the core. They also concluded that Dennis wasn’t much of a Menace. It left me so desolated I couldn’t bear to watch Part II, though advance word was that they studied how much romping actually went on in Romper Room.

Kevin Anderson, a Pennsylvania Boy Scout, put in 200 hours of volunteer labor clearing up a hiking trail in Allentown. So the local head of SEIU (the most militantly pro-Obama union), Nick Balzano, threatened a grievance objecting to non-union volunteerism. (Uh oh, another Will Rogers moment. There is something bizarre about the Obama Nation.)

In a move the White House calls unprecedented, the US Postal Service announced that Obama’s ego would have a separate zipcode of its own, 11111-1111.

After terrorist Allah Mohammed Akbar hid a bomb in his girlfriend’s fake breast, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano announced a new policy. Henceforth, women must remove breast implants before boarding an airplane so TSA can search them. (The National Organization of Women praised this decision.)

Barack Obama announced that the SwindleUs plan had created 640,329 new jobs. When challenged over the fact that so many were non-existent jobs in non-existent places (such as the 99th congressional district of the Northern Mariana Islands), Obama pointed out that jobs computation is not an exact science. (What, another real one? Oy vay!)

Harry Reid arranged for a revenue-neutral New Stimulus bill by officially planning to hire Santa’s elves, who work without pay, to do all the manual labor. The CBO duly projected the labor as costing nothing.

Republican leader Mitch McConnell was denounced by civil-rights activists, Senate Democrats,and the synoptic media for referring to Obama as a light-skinned, articulate Negro. The firestorm abated briefly when it turned out that Democratic leader Harry Reid used a bullwhip on black servants who displeased him. After Reid apologized for his cultural insensitivity and promised to use a sjambok in the future, the frenzy against McConnell resumed.

Angered by liberal activists who blamed Obama for the failure to deliver single-payer health insurance, Rahm Emanuel defended the administration in the grounds that it had done nothing and called the activists “fucking retards”. The Special Olympics objected to being compared to liberal activists, so Emanuel apologized to them. The activists did not object to being accurately called retarded. (What? This happened too? That’s fucking weird!)

Obama appointed a cabinet member who had no tax questions of any sort. (There! This time I’m sure nothing like this will ever happen.) • (821 views)

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2 Responses to More Weirdness


    “Obama appointed a cabinet member who had no tax questions of any sort.”

    Yeah, unless he looks beyond the Democratic Party, that one will never happen because there truly doesn’t seem to be one Democrat who doesn’t feel that tax laws are for little people like us and not for the ruling class.

    • Timothy Lane says:

      Well, that’s why I was confident that would never become reality. Of course, even many of the ones that were fake were based on actual incidents up to a point. But it’s amazing how often the spirit of Will Rogers (who said that he didn’t make anything up, but just reported what he read in the papers) accurately describes modern liberalism.

      By the way, I believe you mentioned living in the Chicago area. I will note that this is only a few hours from Indianapolis, where I will attend InConJunction (a science fiction conviction) this July. I don’t know if this sort of thing would interest you, but if it does, it would be nice to meet one of my blogging colleagues.

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