The Perils of Mr. Public

by Mr. Lesser (GHG)3/16/15

Scene One.

It was a pleasant Saturday morning and Mr. Public was just sitting down to have a cup of coffee before getting started on his honey-do list when the doorbell rang. He opened the door to find two men wanting to speak with him. He had seen one of the men before but couldn’t remember where. Mr. Public invited them in but they declined, preferring to talk on the front porch.

“Let me get right down to the purpose of our visit Mr. Public”, said the first man, “I’m Mr. Sham and this is my associate Mr. Huxtre. We’re from the Fraternity of Unbiased Climate Knowledge Working Against Deluge Denial, and we’re here to talk to you about a very serious situation that could have ruinous effects on your neighbors.”

“on my neighbors?”

“Please, Mr. Public, don’t interrupt me, allow me to explain in a way you’re capable of understanding. You see, we’re scientists and we’ve been studying the Earth’s climate and have come to a startling conclusion. It appears there is a very high probability that there will be a rainstorm of catastrophic proportions, a deluge, if you will, and this storm will hit your neighborhood. Our complex predictive modeling program has determined that your house will be at the epicenter.”

“the epicenter?”

“Excuse me, I’m still talking. Yes … the epicenter. Most of the rain will pour right down on your property here and since you have the richest parcel of land on the high ground, your rain will run off and ruin the neighborhood. Therefore, I’m sure you’ll agree, the only responsible and neighborly thing to do is to implement our plan. I’m afraid we’re going to have to tear down your house to dig a large hole that will hold the rain so your neighbors’ homes won’t get flooded and ruined.”

“Hey, wait a minute. Now I remember you. You’re the guy who stopped by a few years ago claiming my house was going to be hit by lightning. You called your organization something different back then … what was it again … oh yeah, the Association of Social Scientists Handling Acute Thunderstorm Situations. You claimed that my house had to be torn down so that it wouldn’t be struck by lightning and catch on fire. You said my house had to be sacrificed so the fire wouldn’t spread and burn down the neighborhood.”

“Yes, well, we had a couple bugs in our program back then that have since been ironed out. I can assure you the new version of the complex predictive modeling program is now producing the results we expect to see. You see, the data was correct all along, the program just needed a few tweaks, so I can assure you there is a consensus on the accuracy of the results.”

“So you’re saying the data is the same and the first conclusion was lightning would hit my house and the second conclusion is a deluge will hit my house? That doesn’t seem believable.”

“How dare you call my scientific integrity into question? Our conclusions have been peer reviewed by Mr. Huxtre here, and he can vouch for the voracity with which the program was manipulated until we got it right. Isn’t that right Mr. Huxtre?”

“Yup”

“So there you have it. If you don’t believe the scientific consensus now, you’re just a deluge denier.”

“I’m sorry, that’s just not good enough to allow you to tear down my house. I want to know more about the data you used to arrive at this conclusion and I’m not convinced there is a consensus – there’s only two of you here.”

“So now you’re calling Mr. Huxtre’s scientific integrity into question too? You are just a hateful denier. Furthermore, it’s pointless to show you the data because there is no way you would be able to understand what you’re looking at.”

“Why not?”

“Because we don’t even understand it and we’re scientists … Look, Mr. Public, this has gotten off on a bad note and I don’t hold you responsible for your ignorance. You can’t be expected to comprehend things of science, so I forgive you for insulting us. Let me tell you more of the plan and I’m sure you’ll feel better about things.”

“This oughta be good.”

“Yes, our plan is not just to tear down your house, dig a big hole and leave you high and dry, so to speak. We also plan on providing you with a new place to live. As you will be able to see on this layout … ah … Mr. Huxtre do you have that layout?”

“uhh”

“Oh yes, there it is in your hand Mr. Huxtre. Please hand it to me … thank you Mr Huxtre. Let me get this opened up here … ah yes, here we are. As you can see on this layout, there is the huge hole taking up most of your lot, but we left a little room over in the corner of the lot to place a nice trailer for you and your family to live in.”

“A trailer? There’s no way we could move all of our stuff into that tiny trailer.”

“Yes Mr. Public, you’re absolutely right and that’s the hidden beauty of our plan. Wait until you hear this – you’ll really get excited. You know how you have the nicest house in the neighborhood with more stuff than any of your neighbors, well this will help fix that problem”

“There’s a problem? I don’t understand.”

“Well, since the trailer isn’t big enough to hold all your stuff anyway, we’re going to take a bunch of your stuff and give it to your neighbors. Isn’t that great? Then you won’t have to feel guilty for having more stuff than your neighbors and your neighbors won’t have that reason to hate you anymore. See – everyone ends up happy.”

“Just how is it that I end up happy with this deal?”

“Mr. Public, really! Don’t you want to do the responsible thing? You can’t possibly be so selfish that you wouldn’t sacrifice your stuff to save the neighborhood? Where’s your sense of equality?”

“That’s it. I’ve heard enough. Get off my property! And take your crackpot plan and your consensus with you.”

“That’s fine Mr. Public, we’ll leave now, but you haven’t heard the last from us. We’ll be back and it’s only a matter of time before we get what we want.”

Mr. Public closes the door and is muttering under his breath when his daughter walks into the room.

“Who were those men you were screaming at daddy?”

“Oh no honey … I wasn’t screaming … I was just … ah … discussing something about a deluge”

“Oh yes daddy, Miss Info, my new 5th grade teacher, was talking about the coming deluge. She showed us a film in class yesterday about it and we all discussed social responsibility. She had us raise our hands if we were for equality and saving the neighborhood. I raised my hand and told Miss Info that I knew my dad would be in favor of saving the neighborhood. You are in favor of saving the neighborhood aren’t you daddy?”

“uhh … yup”

End of Scene One.


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15 Responses to The Perils of Mr. Public

  1. Brad Nelson Brad Nelson says:

    Thanks for joining the fray, Mr. Lesser. I haven’t read this yet (one of the pitfalls of this job) but I’m sure Jerry will let you know if it’s any good. 😀 I look forward to reading this after I unbury myself at work.

  2. Timothy Lane says:

    Delightful, especially the acronyms of the organizations. We shall see if the Obama gangsters (well, one way or another, that’s what they are) succeed in their nefarious plot against Mr. Public.

  3. Rosalys says:

    Ha, ha! Great bit of satire! Oh wait. This is satire isn’t it?

    Reminds me of a true story my brother told me about one of his friends (I’ll call him Joe) who owned a business and the building which housed the business. The was a heavy rain one night (maybe it could have qualified as a deluge!) Joe got a call from someone from the EPA and was told to come down to his place of business right then. He did. Mr. EPA Man was standing in the downpour outside his business waiting. When Joe went up to Mr. EPA Man and asked him what it was all about, Mr. EPA man looked up at Joe’s roof and pointed at the rain running off his roof. Joe is puzzled. “So what?” he asks. Well it seems that the EPA had deemed that rain water coming in contact with Joe’s roof had become contaminated and was causing pollution! I know. This sounds like a bad episode of The Twilight Zone, but it is not that far fetched. Have any of you been watching the most recent episodes of This Old House. The most recent project was required to have a “dry well” which looked almost as large as a septic system to catch runoff from the roof because there is a little brook at the back of the property! Insanity!

    “How dare you call my scientific integrity into question? Our conclusions have been peer reviewed by Mr. Huxtre here, and he can vouch for the voracity with which the program was manipulated until we got it right. Isn’t that right Mr. Huxtre?”

    I very much like your use of the word “voracity” instead of “veracity” – I trust it was intensional!

    • GHG says:

      Ha – that’s funny. No, not intention, although voracity could have added a satirical twist. I wrote it about 4-5 years ago and gave it a once-over before sending to Brad. Not even 4-5 year separation is sufficient to proofread my own stuff. Sheesh!

    • Timothy Lane says:

      The problem with satires about liberal excesses is that it usually doesn’t take long for them to come true. I did a short piece about a Santa getting in trouble for saying “Ho, ho, ho” to a black girl — and a year later, Santas in Australia were being advised not to say it lest they frighten children.

      Your story about the EPA is all too believable. Note that Ghostbusters had an EPA agent as the villain 30 years ago. Prescience.

  4. Kung Fu Zu Kung Fu Zu says:

    It may have been satire when you wrote it five years ago, but it sounds uncomfortably close to today’s EPA.

  5. Jerry Richardson says:

    GHG,

    Way to come-out of the chute! Riding a lively, bucking parody. I like it! It is funny, it is cute; but it is a serious and soberingly metaphoric picture of our current progressive, big-brother, bully-government infested society. The saddest part of your too accurate picture to me is:

    “Oh yes daddy, Miss Info, my new 5th grade teacher, was talking about the coming deluge. She showed us a film in class yesterday about it and we all discussed social responsibility. She had us raise our hands if we were for equality and saving the neighborhood —GHG

    Only a very few years ago, teacher/student indoctrination as a major concern existed mostly at the university level. We’re way past that now. The progressive professors how been overwhelming successful with their socialistic, multicultural propaganda; so we now have hoards of misinformed, certified ignoramuses standing ready with worthless degrees to manage and control ever facet of modern life. Most of them have been thoroughly grounded in hate-anything-conservative and they are often Summa Cum Laude with university-blessed slogans; profound intellectual maxims such as: “Check your privilege.”

    The disease of Progressivism cannot be simply contained; it needs to be eradicated. But in the last decade or so, we now routinely see all manner of progressive-slanted indoctrination in the lowest levels of public schools. Common-core is simply the government’s public-face on big-government’s effort to own and operate citizens’ minds and souls. Keep fighting it.

    You did good. Can we please have another?

    • GHG says:

      The bit with the daughter’s innocent acceptance of the lies and the position that puts the dad in was really the main message and what I wanted to be the takeaway. The insidious indoctrination of our young was the impetus for writing this and it was based off something that happened with my grandson – my grandson was watching “cartoons” at our house one Saturday morning a few years back and the program he was watching was in English but Spanish words were being introduced throughout the program. I don’t recall exactly what was said but the gist of it was that “we” must be inclusive of all languages. Now, on the surface that’s a fine idea but the underlying message was that Spanish should be thought of as equal to English here in the U.S. And I thought to myself, how does one counter that message when the child is immersed in the culture and the parent has less time with them and may not even be aware of what to counter. It’s an exasperating helpless feeling. AGW just seemed like an easy target with all the misdirection and hypocrisy and socialistic underpinning so the parody is set within that context – but it’s really what it all means for the next generations that concerns me.

      • Timothy Lane says:

        Liberal elites choose not to reproduce, and are well aware of where that can lead. So they choose to adopt the Shaker method of dealing with the situation — a reliance on converts. Given their totalitarian inclinations, naturally they prefer not to seek voluntary conversion. So the goal is to hijack the children their enemies bring forth. The obvious way to fight this is to remove as many children as possible from the public miseducation system.

  6. Anniel says:

    Thank you Mr. Lesser. I cried while I laughed because Agenda 21 has come to our town, along with all the socialist trappings and “scientific” planning and loss of personal property rights, ad infinitum.

    • GHG says:

      What manifestation of that abomination is being proposed/implemented in your area?

      Almost makes one pine for the League of Nations, their impotence was something we could support. The Blue Helmets on the other hand … well …

      • Timothy Lane says:

        There’s a reason I refer to the Useless Nations.

        Incidentally, I wonder how many people are aware that the UN never had proper jurisdiction over Southwest Africa aka Namibia. It had been set up as a League of Nations mandate, and after World War II the South Africans decided not to convert it to a UN trusteeship. So, technically, the defunct League of Nations retained jurisdiction over it.

      • Anniel says:

        We have over an acre of land and our home is on the front 1/3. Our plan always was to subdivide when water and sewer came down the street, do a wrap-around with a driveway down one side and build a handicap accessible duplex. Ha! Now if we go back at all it has to be with a Muni approved PUBLIC roadway, curb and gutter, paved w/drains, etc., which becomes Muni property, not ours. And we can only build a 750 SF home, no mother-in-law apartment or duplex. I can’t even begin to tell you how onerous this is. And if they find any water run-off it gets even worse.

        • GHG says:

          Disgusting. Maddening. Private property under attack. The socialists just keep coming. They’re relentless. The march of “progressivism” will march on until it’s defeated and that will get very ugly.

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