Song: The Major Modern Liberal

by Timothy Lane   5/5/14

(with apologies to William S. Gilbert and Arthur Sullivan)
Reprinted from FOSFAX 209

I am the very model of a major modern liberal,
I have no knowledge vegetable, animal, or mineral,
I judge with my emotions and I quote the lines rhetorical,
From “gun control” to “no tax cuts” in order categorical;
I’m very well acquainted too with morals problematical,
To be imposed by judges avant-garde and autocratical,
And to abortion I’m devoted in the name of choice, it’s true.
Denouncing any facts that contradict the NARAL point of view.
I’m very good at race and gender issues of diversity,
But also know to censor diff’rent views as sheer perversity;
In short in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a major modern liberal.

I know our mythic history, Karl Marx’s and the racial blocs’,
I quote them all by rote and never question any paradox;
Latino I can speak for no one language should be taught to all,
For then each group will join us to protect them from a free-for-all.
I know that art should always mock religion and morality,
But not political correctness, that’s impracticality;
Then I can shout to drown out any notion I’ve not had before,
And show my condescending care by always weeping for the poor.
Then I can spout the line of global warming and the ozone hole,
And carefully place all opposing data in a mem’ry hole;
In short in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a major modern liberal.

But when I notice what I do in smearing and distorting facts,
When I can tell a flat tax from a complex value-added tax,
When ecological conclusions follow from the evidence,
When I admit “the right to bear arms” gives the right to self-defense,
When I learn swearing out a lie is quite illegal perjury,
When I know more of civics than a toddler in a nursery,
In short, when I’ve a smattering of knowledge gained from sources new,
You’ll say a better lib’ral never thought or spoke a point of view.
Yet all I know of history and science, law and policy,
Has only come from slogans, we call logic just a fallacy,
But still in matters vegetable, animal, or mineral,
I am the very model of a major modern liberal.
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3 Responses to Song: The Major Modern Liberal

  1. Kung Fu Zu Kung Fu Zu says:

    Very good. I think the baritone should sing it in a mauve pirate’s frock with a pink eye patch.

    • Timothy Lane says:

      I didn’t go that far, though in the original I had a brief synopsis of the operetta (titled The Parrots of Sundance). The singer was called Blather Blindly. One thing I find interesting is how accurately it covers liberalism even 10 years after first appearing. There would probably be a few minor changes if I were writing it today, but mostly it works as well as it did then.

  2. Glenn Fairman says:

    That was really outstanding……..The D’Oyly Carte Opera Company will be contacting you shortly.

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