Political Twinkies

TwinkieThumbby Timothy Lane
Back in 1988, a friend of mine looked at some of the candidates that year in terms of that venerable snack (recently brought back from the dead by popular demand), the Twinkie. I did the same with the candidates in 1996, 2004, and 2012. The first probably is too old to be worth including, but I figured the politicians in the last two will be sufficiently familiar. These first appeared in very slightly different forms in FOSFAX issues 209 and 216 (including one candidate in the latter who was literally a last-minute inclusion when I read that he had announced his candidacy).

2004 Candidates

John Kerry is easiest; he IS a Twinkie. Howard Dean finds the Twinkie much too un-PC (as in physically correct) a snack, but if they made one in Rainforest Crunch flavor . . .Joe Lieberman disapproves of Twinkies because they’re so self-indulgent a snack – but he’s ready to change his mind if Hostess contributes enough.

Dick Gephardt would be quite happy to serve Twinkies provided they made, distributed, and sold (from growing the grain and sugar to serving them up) entirely by union labor. (His only supporters need the money.) Al Sharpton will only eat one if they bring out a chocolate-flavored Twinkie.

John Edwards’s eyes light up at the thought of all the lawsuits the Twinkie could be an excuse for – diabetes, the obese, even the lactose-intolerant because of the cream filling. Bob Graham was so unhappy that the Twinkie isn’t orange-flavored despite the fact that it sort of looks it that he took his ball and went home.

Carol-Moseley Braun doesn’t know what a Twinkie is, except that it sounds bad. Dennis thinks they should be made and distributed (not sold, of course, though there would be a charge to cover government healthcare expenditures) only by the government, Hostess being an evil corporation. Wesley Clarke will know what he thinks of Twinkies when Terry McAuliffe and the Clintons tell him.

Finally, last but definitely not least, George W. Bush really likes Twinkies, but never indulges anymore despite rumors to the contrary.

2012 Candidates

To start with, we have the usual mixed message from the Obama regime. Barack Obama would favor a government mandate requiring the purchase of Twinkies and requiring union labor in all phases of their production, but his wife would ban their consumption (though the Department of Health and Human Services can arrange waivers for conies and supporters).

Sarah Palin hasn’t yet announced her position on Twinkies. The Donald favors them if he’s selling them. Mike Huckabee likes them but would subject them to a fattening foods tax. Mitch Daniels likes them if they require no government money (Tim Pawlenty takes the same position). Haley Barbour will see if he represented Hostess as a lobbyist before deciding what he thinks of them. Rick Perry likes them Texas-sized.

Mitt Romney thinks Barack Obama is a Twinkie, and therefore unhealthful (though also delicious). Newt Gingrich’s opinion varies randomly from time to time (much like a Berserker). Jon Huntsman doesn’t eat them, but refuses to criticize them.

As libertarians, Gary Johnson and Ron Paul think government should have nothing to do with Twinkies in any way, though neither seems to favor their consumption. (Certainly the Paul family cookbook – we have a copy – doesn’t mention them).

Michele Bachmann thinks Twinkies are a very suitable accompaniment for tea. Rick Santorum points out his past support from Twinkie users, and notes that the Bible never forbid their consumption. Herman Cain acknowledges that they have problems, but insists that he’s just the man to solve them. No one has heard what Thaddeus McCotter may think of them. Buddy Roemer prefers Twinkie Gumbo. • (814 views)

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3 Responses to Political Twinkies

  1. Brad Nelson Brad Nelson says:

    I’m looking for some meat-and-potatoes candidates. Moose hunters are okay as well.

    • Timothy Lane says:

      Sarah Palin sounds like the best choice in that case.

      • Brad Nelson Brad Nelson says:

        Theoretically, there could be other politicians who hunt moose. There are plenty who hunt Uncle Sam, who like to put every tradition and belief under their crosshairs and have a go. In fact, denouncing America is never actually out of season.

        I think Jonah Goldberg is quite correct when he says in “Liberal Fascism” that there are a number of people who have created an artificial meaning in their lives via “activism.” And “activism” is little more than howling at the moon and blaming someone else for what is either one’s own problems or one’s alienated and uncomfortable state of mind.

        So people take a swing at America, the Jews, Christians, straight people — whatever makes them feel better about feeling nothing.

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